To see Pat O’Brien deliver this keynote at Emory University Law School click here

You Gotta Believe provides operational consulting services for agencies, staff, parents, and volunteers to learn how to find families for the young people who need them in your town. We work with each group to develop a training and technical assistance package that is tailored specifically to meet your needs. (more specifics are needed here…..)

Pat O’Brien, Founder and Executive Director of You Gotta Believe is available for speaking engagements as a key note, workshop facilitator, and expert panelist. Presentations are tailored to each audience and geographic location.

From there, the workshop moves to a discussion about permanency planning goals and how the inappropriate goals cause half the homelessness in our culture. We will discuss outcome studies about what happens to youth after their discharge from foster care alone and how our attitude is the only obstacle to finding permanent parents for any teen in our care. Then it’s time to get practical with how-to guidance for finding permanent parents for every teen in our care using the Finding Families Method, generalized recruitment, and community education.

Full day trainings will also incorporate an afternoon of options including:

• Recruitment Case Scenarios to address specific challenges encountered by people doing Finding Family work.
• Skills development in any area of Finding Families work: outreach to families; documentation; facilitating communication; mediating disagreements; and getting through to resistant workers.
• Parent Preparation and support.

This workshop will discuss the following issues:

• The reasons that adoptive parents unintentionally end up re-hurting, re-abandoning, re-rejecting, re-traumatizing, re-victimizing, re-abusing, and re-neglecting the children all over again by putting them out of their homes when the child engages in an unacceptable behavior.
• Skills needed to deal with children who make adults so angry that they would think about doing the unthinkable: actually hurting a child they originally came forward to help by rejecting the child and putting that child out of their household.
• How an individual’s spirituality can be an inspirational source of strength during difficult times with children that will allow the adult parent to maintain their commitment during hard times.
• What agencies can do to help assure that far less foster and adoptive parents give back their children during times of crisis and stress.
• Helping parents to find the strength from within to deal with even the most difficult of children.
• Helping people understand it is their commitment and their commitment only that is the true source of healing for any child that crosses their path.

• Will go over the myths about laughter.
• Will talk about research as it relates to laughter and parenting.
• Will offer concrete empowering ideas and suggestions about how to utilize laughter to help create bonding opportunities with children — particularly with newly placed teens and pre-teens.
• Will conduct a full group silliness exercise after speaking on the importance of silliness as a major generator of laughter.
• Will end with a presentation entitled “The 12 Step Approach to Independent Laughter” that will offer 12 great ideas about how to incorporate more laughter into one’s home life, family life, and life in general.

He spent more than six years in residential and group care and was planning to age out of care to no one. Only when the City had decided to close his group home did the option of a permanent family ever get raised to him and he was already over 18. For Sharif, the impending closing of the group home created instant panic. Most teens in foster care have a goal of Independent Living; but Sharif knew far too many friends who started in this direction and ended up on the street. Otherwise, there was a slim possibility for another foster placement or adoption, but after the first go around who wanted to try that again?

Representatives from Children’s Services came to talk to the young men about the facility closing. That is the first time Sharif met Susan, a senior official overseeing the transition, who would later become his mother. ‘I’ll never forget it,’ recalls Sharif. ‘She sat down with all of us and heard our stories… she couldn’t believe that no one had talked to any of us about adoption… we went around the room and you could see her getting livid. Weeks later, I was forced to go to a meet-n-greet,’ remembers Sharif. ‘Some of us got there early and Susan was there setting up. She needed ice and no one would go with her… so I did.’ The two talked about a lot on that 5-block walk. It turned out they were both avid Michigan football fans and had many other similar interests. They even had the same initials. He asked her point-blank why she wasn’t a foster parent.

After the event, Sharif’s worker asked if he was interested in being placed with a family. ‘Yeah, Susan,’ Sharif said, ‘I want her.’ The worker explained that Susan was not a foster parent and there was a list of certified foster parents they could introduce him to, but Sharif was clear about Susan. Meanwhile, Susan had been a long time advocate of older child adoption. She had also been considering parenthood but hadn’t expected it happen quite so suddenly. However, life sometimes takes amazing and unexpected turns and she very quickly decided that she wanted to become Sharif’s mom. It was only after that decision was made that they realized they even share the same birth date.

Within a short time, Susan was certified as an official placement and just three months shy of his 19th birthday, Sharif moved into his new home. Within a few months, Sharif’s best friend, Everett, was spending more and more time at their home as an escape from an unfortunate foster care placement. It became clear to Susan and Sharif that Everett belonged in the family and soon thereafter, Everett moved in. After a lifetime without a stable home, both Sharif and Everett had finally found theirs. In Sharif’s words, ‘I knew I was home right away. She gave me my own set of keys when I was still just visiting. I couldn’t believe it. I had lived in so many places and even when I was adopted before, no one ever gave me my own keys. I felt like I belonged.” That was over three years ago. Today, Susan could not be prouder of her son. Sharif is at home, attending college and pursuing his dream of performing on Broadway.

Then at work, Chester met Robert who was 8 years old and had spent most of his life in foster care due to his mother’s excessive drug use (?). ‘We always had a connection,’ says Chester. ‘He was on my caseload… one of ** cases I covered.’ Robert had been in foster care for ** years, and was nearly adopted by a relative at the age of **. When that fell through, Chester thought Robert would never be the same. ‘That’s when I started thinking… how about us? My wife will tell you that it was all my idea, but she’s really the star. She welcomed Robert with open arms and didn’t look back.’

From there, the Jackson family continued to grow. Karin and Chester had a biological son, Brandon, and then Robert’s sister, Eboney, surfaced. She, too, was living in foster care, where she had been for ** years in ** placements. Eboney remembers the first thing that got her curious about the Jacksons, ‘I liked baby Brandon. That was a relationship where I felt safe and in control. I wanted to be a big sister.’ But for many years that is the only family role that felt comfortable for her.

‘I was never open to [formal] adoption until I got pregnant as a teen,’ says Eboney. Chester recalls that period as a challenging family time. As he says, ‘It wasn’t easy. It hit hard on so many levels, but Eboney was pregnant and that is what was happening… so we dealt with it.’ One might think it was a turning point for Jackson family bonding, but Eboney relays that it was actually after she moved out when she really felt that she was a part of the family.

‘I was used to leaving places and never hearing from anyone again… this time, they got us settled and called the next day.’ Then there were pictures, presents, financial help, and visits. And when times got tough as a teen mom, Eboney’s new family was there. It was just what she needed to feel like she belonged. Now, ** years later spending time with her family is Eboney’s favorite place to be with her own daughters. ‘People laugh that I vacation at my parents’ house, but spending time together is the best.’

Arelis and her siblings entered New York City foster care, where they would remain for many years to come. Arelis was only 5 years old. Over the next 8 years, she lived in 16 different foster homes and facilities. ‘They started me in foster homes, but the first one was really bad… and they moved me. The second lady wanted me to call her ‘mom’ right away and eventually kicked me out when I didn’t.’

After her ** foster family placement a social worker told her, ‘You won’t work in a family. We’re going to put you in a group home.’ Arelis was separated from her siblings, scared, and deeply sad. She was moved to a Residential Treatment Center where she was diagnosed and medicated. At 13, it was just too much to bear, and Arelis tried to kill herself. In hopes of stabilizing her, social workers helped Arelis find her sister who was living at Mary Keane’s home.

Mary had just started as a foster parent after visiting a group home for teenagers and seeing the low standard of care they received. In Mary’s words, ‘I thought… I can do something. I need to do something.’ She became licensed as a foster parent and opened her home to one 14-year old girl, and then another, and another. One of the girls was ***, Arelis’ sister.

Arelis came to Mary’s to visit her sister. ‘We ate meatballs and watched Steward Little… it was the first time in a long time that I felt safe.’ says Arelis. Over time Arelis moved in, but moving in didn’t mean a happy ending. Mary remembers, ‘There were times when the girls would fight or run away and the social worker would say that somebody had to go. It didn’t make sense. That was my light bulb moment… they didn’t need to go, these girls needed to stay. They needed a family.’

But, the idea of having a permanent family didn’t keep Arelis from breaking rules or running away. Arelis recalls, ‘[Mary] would always find me and bring me home. She comforted me and told me that she loved me. I had never heard that before.’ It was a turning point for Arelis. ‘I was going to do great things, and great things came and went; but Mary was always there telling me she loved me and that we’re a family. Now I can have my own family and I know how to love because Mary taught me. Mary changed my life.’

Meet the Jackson Family

‘Making a lifetime commitment to a teen isn’t something we decided, it was something that we just did,’ reflects Chester Jackson, an adoptive father of two teens. As he puts it, ‘This whole ‘permanent homes for teens’ thing kind of found me.’ He jokes. Chester had received a call from Pat O’Brien nearly 20 years ago inviting him to come and be part of the staff of a new adoption initiative he was leading. Because Chester had been adopted himself, Pat thought he could share his personal experience with older children who were waiting for families.

Then at work, Chester met Robert who was 8 years old and had spent most of his life in foster care due to his mother’s excessive drug use (?). ‘We always had a connection,’ says Chester. ‘He was on my caseload… one of ** cases I covered.’ Robert had been in foster care for ** years, and was nearly adopted by a relative at the age of **. When that fell through, Chester thought Robert would never be the same. ‘That’s when I started thinking… how about us? My wife will tell you that it was all my idea, but she’s really the star. She welcomed Robert with open arms and didn’t look back.’

From there, the Jackson family continued to grow. Karin and Chester had a biological son, Brandon, and then Robert’s sister, Eboney, surfaced. She, too, was living in foster care, where she had been for ** years in ** placements. Eboney remembers the first thing that got her curious about the Jacksons, ‘I liked baby Brandon. That was a relationship where I felt safe and in control. I wanted to be a big sister.’ But for many years that is the only family role that felt comfortable for her.

‘I was never open to [formal] adoption until I got pregnant as a teen,’ says Eboney. Chester recalls that period as a challenging family time. As he says, ‘It wasn’t easy. It hit hard on so many levels, but Eboney was pregnant and that is what was happening… so we dealt with it.’ One might think it was a turning point for Jackson family bonding, but Eboney relays that it was actually after she moved out when she really felt that she was a part of the family.

‘I was used to leaving places and never hearing from anyone again… this time, they got us settled and called the next day.’ Then there were pictures, presents, financial help, and visits. And when times got tough as a teen mom, Eboney’s new family was there. It was just what she needed to feel like she belonged. Now, ** years later spending time with her family is Eboney’s favorite place to be with her own daughters. ‘People laugh that I vacation at my parents’ house, but spending time together is the best.’